Steps to obtaining a clean backside:

Step 1. Enter shower with a bar of soap and a wash cloth. I know men do not use wash cloths, but it is critical to obtain a clean backside.

Step 2. Once in shower, rub your wet wash cloth and bar soap together until the wash cloth is nice and soapy.

Step 3. Place the soapy wash cloth in your right hand and use your left hand to spread your butt checks.

Step 4. Rub the soapy wash cloth in a vertical motion back and forth over your anus all the way down to your scrotum. Use the same motion you would use when sanding a block of wood or waxing your car.

Step 5. If your backside is extremely hairy OR you are overweight, repeat steps 2, 3, and 4. If your backside is extremely hairy AND you are overweight, you will need to repeat steps 2, 3, and 4 three times. Note, rinse wash cloth between washings.

Step 6. The freshness test. Take your index finger and rub it along your backside, pressing against your crack and anus. Now place your index finger against the tip of your nose and inhale through your nostrils. If you still smell ass, then repeat steps 2, 3, and 4. But this time you will need to squat to gain better access to the smelly area. If you weigh over 250 lbs. Or it has been ten years since your last knee bend, brace yourself by holding on to the soap dish. Remember safety first.

Congratulations, you now have a clean backside.

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