YUMI OF BURLINGAME Out of this world!

Captain’s Log: Stardate 180202.2100 ===

Bryan Tiberius Douglass Starship Euphemism (RB-B35) United Federation of Red Book

Twenty one hundred hours. I am relaxing in my readyroom, attempting to arrange the adoption of a rare and elusive spacepet – the Never Ready Tribble – when I am summoned to the Bridge.

Starfleet Headquarters is hailing from the Alpha Male Quadrant:

”Captain Douglass: You have served the Federation well. You have explored the legendary moons of Frankenia and Brendapolis. You planted our flag in the dark nether-regions of Tiffania Normandu. You have even survived a GFE mindmeld in the Walnut Cluster. ”But this will be your most perilous mission yet. Your orders: make contact with Yumi, orbiting the Class M planet of Burlingamia. Probe her starship, but do not violate the prime directive.”

Fascinating: Burlingamia. I recall my near-fatal encounter there with a Laurenian Princess in Episode 69, ”The Interstellar Knobgobbler.” I survived, but barely, and now – like a moth to a flame – I must return.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 190202.0900 ===

Oh nine hundred hours. I search Galaxyvibe for the schematics of Yumi’s starship. No luck. However, our ship’s databanks are a goldmine of information: several other Federation captains have piloted their shuttlecrafts therein, and have provided detailed reports.

The data is compelling. I open a hailing frequency, make contact, and lay-in a course for Burlingamia.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 190202.1200 ===

Twelve hundred hours. Yumi: the name alone evokes whispers in the Jeffries Tube of a hunger more ravenous than that of the Borg.

Will Yumi live up to her legend? She is known throughout the Federation as one of the best interpreters in the universe, speaking all languages fluently.

Such an interpreter would be a welcome guest aboard my Euphemism.

However, I must beware, for Yumi is a ”Provider” – one of a master race of beautiful but devious spacewomen.

Providers are the sirens of the spacetime continuum. They can lure and enchant even the most stalwart starship captain, causing him to lose his senses, forget his crew, and give them all his precious cargo.

Providers are capricious. They have difficulty utilizing communication devices, making them difficult to hail. They dock their ships in remote sectors, such as Belmontia and Solarvale. They will negotiate a complex business transaction, and then mysteriously vanish before it is executed. They sometimes give the command to ”engage, ” and then, for no apparent reason, begin evasive maneuvers. And they require a constant supply of dilithium to satisfy their mercurial, expensive whims.

Duty-bound, I proceed with caution.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 200202.1400 ===

Fourteen hundred hours. Armed only with my trusty phaser and four dilithium crystals, I beam down to Yumi’s coordinates. My heart is racing, but I am a Starship Captain, and I have a job to do.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 200202.1500 ===

Fifteen hundred hours, Burlingamia.

Yumi uncloaks off my starboard bow. I scan her forward array. The enhanced thrusters on her tiny ship are astounding.

”I am Captain Bryan T. Douglass of the Federation Starship Euphemism, ” I state. ”Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded.”

”You will be assimilated like all the others, ” she whispers.

I dare her: ”Make it so.”

Red alert! She is armed with two massive photon torpedos! Without hesitating, I aim my phaser.

She anticipates my every move. I am no match for her superior astral combat skills. Then, miraculously, just in the nick of time, reinforcements arrive:

The USS O’Brian, a warrior class starfighter, suddenly appears as if out of nowhere, uncloaks, and penetrates Yumi’s hull with a barrage of phaser fire. ”Oh, Brian!” Yumi exclaims, surprised, but quickly engulfs the starfighter in a powerful tractor beam, draining it of all power.

The starfighter retreats, but not before covering the entire hull of Yumi’s ship with phaser plasma. I am inspired to complete my mission.

”Dammit, Yumi!” I wail, ”I”m a 21st century whoremonger, not a country doctor!” Medical puns not withstanding, I probe every porthole of her starship.

Tossed to and fro for several turbulent minutes, I try my best to cling on (!), but it is no use.

I gasp, ”I. Come. In. Peace. Uhhhhhh.”

It is too late.

I have experienced one mother of a warpcore meltdown.

Yumi has won. This time. But I shall return.

Captain’s Log, Supplemental ===

I have received top secret intelligence that several officers of the Federation are involved in an insidious underground resistance movement known as the Mahkee, or Cartel.

Never sleeping, they plot and scheme, working with the Laurenians, the Loranians and even the Yasminians in a coordinated effort to take me down.

Yet, in spite of their dark ambitions, I will prevail.

For I am a Starship Captain, and my phaser is set to stun.

I’m not dead yet, Jim!

My continuing mission:

To explore strange new whores, To sneak out on my wife, for new thrilling gyrations, And to boldly go Where oh, so many men have gone before.

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