Wow. It’s been great making out with you, a real live boy, on this couch for 15 minutes. I can see that now, after the conversation we had and the beer you bought me after your friend introduced us at the party, you think it’s about time you enjoyed the fruits of your labor. About time you got a blow job from me.

And let me tell you, you came to the right place. Because the world is populated by guys like you; in fact I’m willing to bet there’s not one man in the whole wide world who doesn’t think he deserves an on-the-couch blow job the first time he makes out with someone, so fear not. This is territory that any girl over the age of 15 has seen many, many times. So don’t think I won’t do it. There’s just a few things I need from you first.

First, I would appreciate it if you would wash your genitals once a day. Just once a day. Heck, you can even do it while you’re IN the shower washing anyway. Because guys like you — don’t blame me for presuming — often live under the gross misunderstanding that their genitals do not stink. Oddly, this is simultaneously the VERY SAME reason they give for not giving us girls oral sex. Listen while I compare the maintenance habits of me and you — it’ll only take a second and I’ll get right to it, swear to God.

So. Here’s what girls do. We scrub our genitals — front to back, inside and out — every day under a high-pressure stream of hot water, using expensive soap designed to both moisturize and leave a pleasant scent. Then we shave most of our genitals. You might think that’s an easy task. No, no, my friend. It is not easy. It requires bending, twisting, squatting, stretching and sometimes a hand-held mirror. It must be done every day, but it cannot be rushed. What may be passed off as a “nick” on, say, my knees or your face, can rise to the level of emergency-room-visit when wielding a sharp object so near one’s particulars. So. The shaving. Then once a month we go to a snooty spa and spend $80 — without tip — for a wax. That’s even more fun. That’s where we climb up on a table wearing paper panties and then a stranger walks in and starts applying hot wax to our genitals. Often they ask us to assume a particalurly demeaning position — on all fours, say, or holding one ankle above our heads — to get every last hair off. And, dude, it hurts. Really. Once we’re properly hairless, then we apply TendSkin to prevent red bumps, lotion to prevent any flaky skin and high-priced exfoliating scrub every other day to prevent ingrown hairs. When all is well, we scent our panties and go about our dressing for our big date with you, the super cute boy. Why all this preparation, you ask? It’s just so that when we DO manage to be making out with you, you can scrunch up your nose, look at our genitals and say that you “don’t do that.” You’re like, “Sorry, it’s not you, I just don’t…” And we’re like, “Oh, no. It’s OK,” secretly resenting every painful minute of our genital-prep time. OK, OK, that’s us. Now here’s you.

You probably run a wet bar of Irish Spring under your armpits every morning and, if we’re lucky, maybe take a swipe near your unmentionables. That’s the beginning and the end, am I right? You might be surprised to find that Irish Spring or no, you STILL may be stinky. It’s true! See, guys secrete sweat and stuff down there, just like girls. And it’s an area that never gets any sunlight or fresh air, just like girls. You piss and shit and sometimes it doesn’t all go away, just like girls. You have hair down there, just like girls. See where I’m going with this? You may stink as bad — nay, worse! — than me, the lucky lady about to put your cock and balls in my mouth. But have you ever heard a girl say she “doesn’t do that”? Exactly. We don’t say that. So do me a favor, please, and tomorrow start scrubbing your gentials with the same fervor I scrub mine. And consider buying wet toilet paper, it really does help you stay clean throughout the day. Anytime you think you might be perfectly clean, just rub a finger around your testicles and butt crack, then smell it. If comes up Irish Spring, perfect. If not, just think. I’m going to have to put my face in that.

So. Sorry to blabber on so long. I promise I’m almost done and we can start the fabuloso blow job I know you’ve been thinking about ever since that fateful night when you looked at me and said, “‘Sup?” Just a couple more things. Listen to me now. I give pretty good blowjobs. Seriously. I do. For a non-porn-star, I’m willing to bet this is about as good as you’re ever going to get. But hear me out. If you want to put your dick in my mouth, that is perfectly fine with me. But you need to respect the fact that my teeth were there first. I can’t, sadly, do anything with them as the Good Lord has seen fit to leave me all my teeth at this late age of 26 and I don’t have dentures. So if you have a serious problem with teeth touching your penis, here’s what I suggest you do: Don’t put your dick in other people’s mouths. See, that’s where all the teeth are. It is soooo easy to avoid getting my teeth against your dick. Just stop putting it in my mouth. Voila! If you insist on putting your dick in my mouth, and I can see that you do, I can promise to do my best to dis-locate my jaw to give you a blowjob that is all suck, spit and tongue. But sometimes you may feel a tooth. Whoops! No need to freak out. The same goes for anal sex, should we ever find ourselves down that path in the future. If you ever want to put your dick up my ass, and don’t even pretend, I know you will, that’s OK. As long as I feel like you care about me and respect me, that’s totally OK. But if I let you put your dick up my butthole, please don’t freak out if, afterward, you discover a speck of fecal matter on your penis on our way to the shower. Wow. That really embarasses me, believe me. No need to point it out. And if you do point it out, I can tell you there’s a simple solution for not getting fecal matter on your penis. What you do is, stop putting it in other people’s assholes. See how easy that is?

But I digress. We’re not talking about anal sex here, are we? We’re talking about oral sex, about the blowjob you expect from me because you got me that Amstel Light at the show, when you totally could’ve just gone Coors Light. My hat’s off, sir. You deserve a treat. So here goes. Now that we’ve had this little talk, I hope our oral sex experiences can be positive for both of us. Oh. One last thing. I’m going to swallow, OK?, and that doesn’t mean I love you and want to marry you. That means I’ll taste it less and won’t have your semen coursing over my tongue as I spit it out. So don’t read anything into that. Thanks for listening, and enjoy.

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